


Knives

by pavloveing



Category: Butterfly Soup
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-10 01:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pavloveing/pseuds/pavloveing
Summary: Diya and Min share tender moments together, learning more about themselves in the process.





	1. 5/18

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks Julia for helping proofread!!

“I’m free!” Min-seo said, running out of class. Diya followed behind her, covering her mouth with her hand as she giggled. She loved her girlfriend.

“Not yet, you aren’t,” Noelle said. “Just because it’s Friday doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. We still have homework, and you promised that you’d actually do it yourself this time.”

“Fuck homework! I lied!” replied Min. Akarsha gave her a high five.

Noelle put her palm to her forehead in exasperation as the juniors walked towards Diya’s car. Even though she was the youngest and the last to get her license, Diya was the squad’s personal chauffeur. She was the only one whose parents trusted her enough to drive to school every day, even if it was in a used car. “Just get in,” she said.

As per Noelle’s previous request, Diya drove them all to the library so they could get a head start on their assignments. It wasn’t anyone’s idea of fun besides Noelle’s, but they all agreed to go anyway. Min, of course, complained all the way there, but Diya knew better. Min was just happy to be with her, even if it was gonna be at a boring old library. Just thinking about that made Diya blush, but luckily Noelle was sitting shotgun and didn’t really pay attention to stuff like that.

They pulled up to the library with no real complications except for Akarsha poking the back of Noelle’s neck with a bright pink pencil a few times. The group walked inside and sat at their usual table: the one as far away from the manga section as possible.

“So, first thing’s first,” Noelle said with an air of authority. “Algebra 2. I’m past where you are, Min-seo, but I’m willing to help you with your homework just because you’re so… stupid.”

Min glared at her. “Who’re you calling stupid, you stiff-ass—”

“Min,” Diya interrupted. “Remember what happened last time.”

Min didn’t look happy about it, but she backed down. Last time she snapped like that, Noelle filled her homework in with all the wrong answers.

Meanwhile, Akarsha began to wander suspiciously towards the manga section of the library. Diya was the only one who noticed. She poked Noelle’s arm as lightly as she could as to not bruise her fragile friend and pointed to Akarsha.

“Akarsha!” Noelle yelled. “Come back here and focus! We have work to do.”

Akarsha complied, but made a big deal out of it. “Why of course!” Akarsha gasped, in an accent that sounded oddly like a mix of British and Italian. She bent forward, as if in an overdramatic bow, and gestured her hand in front of her. “Anything for my little Frenchman.”

She sat down and Noelle rolled her eyes. After those few shenanigans, the friends all got to work.

For most of the time, Diya spaced out. She finished what little homework she had in a couple of minutes, but her other friends struggled to help Min understand how logarithms worked.

Noelle took the first attempt. “So you use logs to solve certain exponential equations, and—”

“Certain who?”

“Ex...Exponential equations… Are you serious right now?”

Noelle struggled to keep her cool, so Akarsha took over for the rest of the session as Noelle jumped in occasionally with suggestions or corrections.

Usually, Diya would help out, but she was just too tired. She’d had a long week. Instead, she held Min’s hand in an act of support as she scribbled logs on her scrap paper.

Time passed slowly, but after about two hours the juniors decided to call it quits.

“Everyone’s going home, right?” Diya asked. They all said yes, so she drove them all home in the order that she drives them every day: Akarsha first, then Noelle, then Min.

When Diya dropped her off, Akarsha walked towards her house backwards, giving the group in the car a mock salute. Diya stayed parked outside until she saw Akarsha close the door behind her.

When Diya arrived at the next house, Noelle gave a prim “thank you” and walked straight to her door without looking back. Min climbed into Noelle’s old seat in the front. After assuring she stepped safely inside, Diya drove off, and it was just she and Min left.

“What was up with you today?” Min asked, now that they were alone. “You were quieter than usual. What happened? Was it your parents? Was it someone at school? I _will_ stab someone.”

Diya stayed quiet a moment. They sat at a red light, and it illuminated Min’s face beautifully. It cast a slight shadow on the left side of her face, sharpening her features and playing with her pupils. It twinkled on the edge of her near-black irises, as if the light knew it shouldn’t be there but wanted to be anyway, just to make Diya fall more in love. It laid static against her sleek black hair, but as she turned to look at Diya, it danced among the strands. The light drew out Min’s lips a little more, making them look fuller and even more kissable. God, she was cute. All Diya could do was gaze at her. _I’m so gay_ , Diya thought to herself. It wasn’t until the light on Min’s face changed to green did Diya reply.

“I’m okay,” Diya reassured, turning to look at the road again. “Just tired. Thank you. 사랑해.”

Min grinned at the sound of the “I love you” coming out of Diya. “You know I’d do literally anything for you, right?” she said. “Like, even kill someone? I’d totally do that.”

Diya smiled back. “I know.” With these words, she impulsively took a left turn onto a street that wasn’t on the way to Min’s and pulled over.

“What’re you—”

Diya silenced her by cupping her slender hand around the back of Min’s neck, her thumb touching the short black strands at her hairline. She looked directly into Min’s eyes. What was she doing? She’d never been so bold before. Before she could overthink it, Diya pressed her lips against Min’s.

The kiss was strong and sudden at first. As the precious seconds ticked away, it melted into a softer, warmer kiss that tasted slightly like chocolate. It reminded Diya of the brownies that she and Min had baked together a few months after they started dating, when Min’d promised that she’d love Diya for the rest of her life (before they scorched the food and almost burned the house down). The memory caused Diya to kiss Min even more passionately.

Diya could tell she had surprised her girlfriend at first, but now that Min understood what was happening, she fought back. It was almost a contest. Min’s soft lips gently pushed back against Diya’s as her hand gravitated towards the back of Diya’s head. Min intertwined her fingers with Diya’s smooth locks, almost getting caught in them. She grabbed and pulled Diya closer and closer.

It was over way too quickly.

When their lips parted, Min took a breath and sat back, scratching the back of her head in disbelief. “Holy shit. Diya, I… I love you.”

Amused, Diya took Min’s hand in hers, circling her thumb against the back of Min’s hand. “I bought you something,” she said. “I didn’t know when to give it to you, so I’m gonna do it now.”

Min laughed a little. “Is that why you were so quiet today? Daydreaming about how much you love me and how excited you were to surprise me?”

Diya wanted to let her think that, so she nodded. Honestly, the decision to give Min the present now was completely spur-of-the-moment, but Min looked so cute and hopeful that she couldn’t bring herself to say otherwise.

Diya reached into the backseat for a black shopping bag. Her mind was still exploding with oxytocin as she brought the bag to the front of the car. _Ba bum, ba bum, ba bum_. Her heart seemed to tease her in her excitement. Diya swallowed, hard, and finally spoke. “It’s getting warmer out, and I just wanted to get you something you could wear when it’s hotter…” She sheepishly held out the bag for Min to take.

Min grabbed the bag enthusiastically, unnecessarily ripping it open instead of just looking for the top of it. Glancing up, she saw Diya’s shocked expression, so she more carefully took out the contents: a thin square box. Min took the top off and gingerly unfolded the cloth she found within. “Diya! Are you fucking serious? I’ve been wanting this for ages! Where did you _find_ it?”

It was a black graphic tee Min’d found on the internet a while ago. It was just a t-shirt with the phrase “GENDER ISN’T REAL” in edgy white letters, but when she showed it to Diya, she looked so excited that it existed. The image didn’t have a link to buy it, though, and she was crushed. Diya never forgot about it and secretly (with the help of Noelle) had been trying to find where to get it. After months of searching, she and Noelle stumbled on a weirdly sketchy online store with the shirt listed on it. Diya had never made a purchase that quickly in her life. It was 30 entire dollars, but it was worth it for the look on Min’s face.

Min didn’t wait for an answer but instead nearly tackled Diya to give her a hug, hitting her hip on the gear shift but apparently not noticing. Diya laughed and wrapped her arms around Min’s back. “I love you so much. I’m so gay. You’re so pretty. I’m so lucky,” Min babbled. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Diya just sat there and held Min’s warm body against her own. She closed her eyes, trying to commit this moment to memory so she could relive it forever.


	2. 5/21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Min disappears. Diya sees a side of Min that she didn't think existed.

_She would’ve told me. She would’ve told me. She would’ve told me._

“Please, Akarsha. This isn’t a joke, right? You really don’t know where she is? It’s been three days!”

Diya was getting desperate. The fact that she’d called so many people out of her own free will was astonishing. She’d called Min about 40 times, Jun-seo about 20, even Min’s parents a few times, and there was no trace of her girlfriend. It was as if she just disappeared. Her parents and Jun hinted at there being a bad fight, but Min usually told her about this stuff. She’d run away before, but she had always told Diya that she was safe. They worked these things out—together.

“I told you already, Diya,” said Akarsha over the phone, more somber than usual. “I haven’t talked to her in forever. I don’t know anything.”

Diya’s face was red and laden with streaks from her tears. Her eyes were puffy and she struggled to find words among the chaos and worry that infested her brain. “I’m sorry I’m just so worried I just thought that since she liked you maybe she was with you and maybe she was mad at me because maybe I did something wrong and I know I asked you yesterday but I thought maybe you lied to me because maybe she was—”

“Diya.”

She was crying again. _She would’ve told me._ “What?”

“Stop. Min loves you. She’s probably fine. Have you looked everywhere for her? I know you asked Noelle, but she only came up with, like, logical places where she could be. Is there anywhere only you two know about?”

When Akarsha was the voice of reason, stuff was bad. But she was right. There was one place Diya hadn’t thought to check, even though it should’ve been obvious. Maybe Noelle’s suggestions really _had_ distracted her.

“Thanks, Akarsha. You gave me an idea.” Diya hung up.

Nowadays, when Min needed a break from her family, she came to Diya’s house. But when they were kids, she ran to a certain spot: the sewer. Sure, it was only once, and it was for a dumb reason (Min didn’t want to eat a tomato), but it was a place only she and Diya knew about. At least, they were the only ones who knew the significance of it.

Diya donned her Nike cap and darted out of her house, tears still wet on her cheeks. The chances that Min would be there weren’t amazing, but it was worth a shot.

She ran all the way there but stopped at the hill overlooking it. She didn’t know what (or who) could be residing in the sewers, so she descended slowly to the bottom of the hill to where the sewer emptied out. She stayed silent and walked carefully as to not make any noise, but when she heard a familiar sniffle, she immediately dashed inside.

Diya ran about 10 feet in but stopped to look at a hunched figure sitting on the curved edge of the sewer. It had a familiar haircut and boots, but it was… shaking.

“M… Min?” Diya called out cautiously. “Is… Is that you?”

The figure turned and its face was illuminated by the harsh sunlight piercing into the sewer. The white light cast a shadow over the upper part of the figure’s face, rendering it nearly unrecognizable. It was nowhere near as beautiful of a scene as the other night. But it was still Min.

“Oh God. Diya, don’t come any closer, please, just go away. For me. Please.” She let out a sob. Who was this? Diya had never seen Min cry before. She always seemed so strong. But now, with her tears and greasy hair, she looked anything but.

Diya stood, paralyzed—shock, concern, and fear hitting her all at once. She didn’t know what to do. She felt overwhelmed.

Diya awoke from her stupor when she saw a flash of crimson drop from Min’s arm into the slow, thin current of waste trailing through the sewer.

“Min!” Diya ran over to her girlfriend, grabbing her wrist.

“Ow!” Min jumped and smacked Diya’s arm. It stung.

Both of them stopped and looked at each other in surprise. “Fuck, Diya, I’m so sorry.” Min let out another sob. “I didn’t mean to hit you, it was just a reflex, I….” She trailed off.

The only thing Diya could think about was the line that her mind had been repeating for three days. _She would’ve told me._

They were silent for a long time. The only sound Diya could hear was the ringing in her ears.

After a while, Diya slowly walked next to Min and sat beside her. “I’m sorry.” She looked over and saw Min’s left sleeve was damp. “Min…” Diya gently raised Min’s sleeve and saw a bunch of thin red lines along her wrist, like rungs of a ladder.

Min started sobbing again—real, violent, heartbreaking sobs. Her whole body shook and rattled like a house in a hurricane. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a bloodied knife. She threw it across the sewer and put her head in her hands. _Clink._ “I’m sorry. I usually don’t do this,” she cried. “My knives are really important to me and I’d never wanna waste them on shit like myself but I don’t have anything else.”

Diya softly removed  Min’s head from her hands and looked her in the eyes. “Shh. It’s okay. You aren’t shit. It’s all going to be okay. I’m here. I love you. I love you. I love you. 사랑해. 사랑해. 사랑해.”

A quick evaluation told Diya that Min wasn't in immediate danger, so she wrapped her arms around Min, sitting in silence until she gathered up the courage to speak.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Diya asked.

“What?”

“You would’ve told me. Why didn’t you tell me you ran away?”

Min looked down at her feet. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

“I know that isn’t the reason. You come to me all the time. You know I love you.”

Min sniffled and gave a little laugh. “You see right through me, you know? I just didn’t want you to think it was your fault, okay? I’d do anything to protect you.”

“Protect me from _what_ ? From _who_?”

“From guilt. Didn’t Jun tell you what the fight was over?”

“He said he didn’t hear most of it. I was hoping you could tell me.”

“The shirt. My dad saw and it made him angry. He’s gotten mad over my clothing before, but this one really set him off I guess. He just started going on and on about, well, everything. And you know me,” she laughed. “I don’t take shit. So we argued and it was the usual—I’m a disappointment, a curse, a burden. But then he asked where I got the shirt from, and I wouldn’t tell him, because I love you, and for whatever reason he threatened to kick me out of the house. There was no way I’d let him get away with that, so I left on my own to beat him to it. He said I was being disrespectful, and maybe I was. But who cares? Y’know? Who actually fucking cares?” She paused. “I do. I fucking care. I try not to take shit but I do. Inside, I guess. I can’t help being angry about it. It’s not fair. I’m mad at the world. I’m mad at myself. For being this way.”

Diya stayed quiet. Min seemed like she had more to say.

“He called me a boy.”

“What?”

“He called me a boy. I’m not a boy. I’m not a girl, either, I guess. I’m just… me. Min-seo. And even though I know that, I’m not comfortable in my own body most of the time. You helped with that, a lot, somehow, but I think there’s a hole. Like, in my heart. You filled it but sometimes he just opens it up again. ‘Why aren’t you just a normal girl?,’ he said. ‘Why do we have to deal with you?’ I just want to get out. I want him dead.” She paused again, inhaling sharply to fight back tears. “I’m sorry. I’m just being a burden, just like he said I was. I didn’t mean to worry you. I was gonna go back home last night, I swear, but my dad was standing at the doorway and seeing him made me… I dunno. It made me turn around and come back here. I just ran. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“Min, listen to me. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. We will get through this together. You’re strongest person I’ve ever met. We’ll get through this together.”

“Do you swear on it?”

“I pinky-swear.”

“I love you, did you know that?”

“I love you too, Min.”


End file.
